A Glance into the Real World
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And sometimes, you just have to write. You can’t understand why but all you want to do is put all your thoughts into words so that your head stops messing with your sleep. I wonder whether this has ever happened to you, but it has happened to me a lot of times. Imagine how frustrating is the fact that at this late hour all I am thinking about is how things work out in the “real” world. People and fear are two co-related words, not for you may be but for me they are. One captivating feature of “people” is that each person belonging to this group has a different perspective and a different sight. Each person sees things differently, hears things differently and the most amazing fact they understand it differently. So when you hear someone saying “dafa ho jao” you might perceive it as an insult while it was just meant to show love by the other person (in a casual way of course) and that’s a simple example quoted.
I have heard a lot of “people” recommending not to dream big and I have heard a lot of people recommending to dream big. I belong to the second lot but in defense of the first lot, let me explain why they don’t recommend dreaming big. The first lot believes that sometimes when dreams don’t come true, one can lose hope, be a total disaster and drift away from Allah jee. Fair and square, good logic. Some people do that but that is only because they haven’t seen the other perspective. Remember? There are two sides to everything. Dreaming big allows you to be closer to Allah. Dreaming big allows you to pray for your dream to come true. Dreaming big allows you to be hopeful and last but not least, dreaming big allows you to be happy by giving you a purpose in life. Ibadat tou Allah Jee upar bhi karwa saktay the, there’s a reason why we were sent on earth and that very reason makes us dream, makes us wants to make our dreams come true. A dream that is the purpose of your life can be identified easily, all you have to do is to figure out whether love for Allah jee springs within your heart whilst making efforts to make your dreams come true.
Real world will take your dreams to the other direction, ah! That’s where the role of satan comes and the actual challenge for us beings. Instead of taking the dream as a medium to connect with Allah Jee, we start taking it as something worldly. Of course it is worldly, but not only worldly. Are we stupid? I mean can’t we see what harm we are doing to ourselves by falling into satan’s trap? Yes we are stupid. Very very stupid. We are human beings, we slip, yes we are sinners and you know what’s the reality? We suck at being good followers of the religion. I accept I am all that. But on top of everything, I beat Satan at one thing. I can never stop seeking forgiveness because I know Allah Jee is my Allah Jee and He forgives and he fulfills all our wishes. I can never stop praying for me to love Allah and no one else, I can never stop praying for me to follow the path of righteousness and I can never stop regretting all the mistakes that I do and did knowingly and unknowingly. I can never stop having faith in my Creator and that’s where I beat Satan.
If I had wand, I’d turn myself exactly into what my Allah wants me to be. But sigh, I don’t have a wand. I have to learn it the hard way rather be it the hard way. Real world is beastly if we fall into the satan’s trap but we can make it a heaven for us if we try, just simply try to connect at any level with Allah jee. It can be as simple as a conversation within your heart or a prayer or even a simple recitation. The purity of your desire to connect with Allah Jee will decide the level of satisfaction you will have. I hope what I am saying is making sense and whoever reads this, please make a special prayer for me whenever you are having your level of connection with Allah Jee…
A sudden urge to write
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Few incidents in my life had dragged me into a word-less abyss of suffering. I am out of that now, i guess.
I have been blessed, blessed more than i deserve to be blessed but those who are blessed are usually those who are exposed to more than they ever imagine they can be exposed to. I have had my people die in my hands and i have suffered from betrayal at its worst level. It would be wrong to state that these are the only experiences i have had. I have experienced the most cherishable experiences that i doubt anyone has ever had. The journey has been long and still continues with ups and down. Through out this journey, i have learned a LOT. I’d make a confession here, i learned more than i desired to learn. But at the end it has all been worth it. Gar poori zindagi bhi sajday main guzaroon tou Allah jee ka shukar ada karnay kabil tab bhi nahi hon gi.
Bohat arsay baad aaj likhnay ka dil kia. Pata nahi kion, but i wanted to write myself out. What you are reading is just a simple conversation i am having with my self. In the theatre of life, i have seen many characters. Characters that are lead roles in your life and suddenly with the blink of the eye those characters replace you with someone else. Replacement hurts. A LOT. But you have to learn to cope with it. There are things that you’ll create and then be kicked out off. There are people that you’ll value as no one else has ever valued them, and then you’ll have no rights on them. You’ll suddenly lose the license to be who you once were. You’ll suddenly have a part of you killed. Composing your self after such incidents is what makes you , ” YOU.”
Yun tou kehnay ko tou relation ek bohat asaan lafz hai lekin jab kisi ko ek relation main bandha jata hai tou aap ki umeedain aur tawaqoat us relation se barh jati hain. Aur un tawaqoat ko poora karna behad mushkil ho jata hai. Jab poori nahi ho pateen tou relation tootnay lagtay hain aur bas life aisay hi guzar jati hai. Kuch aisay rishtay hotay hain jin k sath ham zyadti kar dete hain, aur kuch aisay rishtay hotay hain jo hamaray sath zyadti kar jatay hain. Par ek rishta aisa hota hai jo sab se ehem aur sab se pyara hota hai. Aisa rishta sirf ap Allah Jee k sath qaaim kar saktay ho. Namaz, Quran, Rozay, Zakat… Main ye sab nahi karti. Kai dafa bohat kuch reh jata hai but His love for me is unconditional. He loves me more than my parents do. He loves me more than anyone else.
At times, you want something that you feel is your destiny. Aisa bohat kam logon k sath hota hai, kay kisi cheez ki sachi chahat ussay Allah jee kay kareeb kar de. Aur aisa bohat kam log kartay hain k kisi sachi chahat kay liye, apni poori zindagi badal den. Aisay log kabhi khaali haath Allah kay dar se nahi jatay, unhen zarur un ki mangi hui dua milti hai, der se sahi milti zarur hai. Aur jab mil jaye, tou ye inkishaaf hota hai kay manzil tou kuch aur thi aur ye chahat manzil tak pohanchnay ka zariya. Manzil sirf haqeeqi hoti hai…rasta chahay mijaazi ho 
aur haqeeqi manzil dhoondtay dhoondtay kabhi tou poori zindagi guzar jati hai…aur kabhi pal main hi sab mil jata hai.
I want to write more…but i think i have said more than i should have. I thank Allah jee for blessing me with amazing parents, a perfect fiance, lovely family & adorable in laws.
Life is not what you think it is. It is just an illusion
A miracle that i can never witness again…
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Today, after what seems like ages i have this “urge” to write. During the past few months i had forgotten the reason i was living for. Every other day felt like torture, and i was just trying to get by. Today, its different. Yesterday was beautiful and i’d consider today to be a gift by Allah as well. So right now, i am going to share what i consider to be my most important analysis ever. For me this is a pillar to every observation that i make and today for the first time ever i am going to share it . I’d like to dedicate this post to Nana Abu ( my maternal grandfather).
Before i start with a little story, i’d like to make a confession. My life has been full of miracles. Surprised? Well i have no doubts your life is full of miracles as well, only you haven’t noticed. Allah’s little wonders that make life worth living, that is how i define miracles. The best of these miracles are the people who love us and care for us or are important for us. Today i am going to tell a little story of one such miracle in my life. A miracle that i am never going to witness again, a miracle that continues to get special with every breath that i take even when its not there anymore. A miracle that i once called Nana Abu.
I still remember vaguely, although i was very young, lets say i was 7 or 8, but i remember visiting the hospital. I remember my mom & nano crying. I remember everything. The doctors had given a very logical answer. 98% chance that he wouldn’t survive. The 2% left was very least likely to happen as the percentage depicts. The hope of his survival was almost nil. However, Allah knows better always. He survived the lethal stroke though half of his brain was completely damaged and he couldn’t speak. The doctor called his survival to be a miracle.And that’s where i’d like to begin my story from.
Life carried on. Time passed somehow. He could speak broken sentences but he preferred to stay quiet. I shifted over to his place because i had better opportunities to pursue my education in Islamabad rather than Abbottabad. My relation at this point with him transformed into something more than that of a grand-daughter grand-father relation. It grew to be more of a silent friendship. If i called this house a home, it was because of him. He was aware of everything without me saying so from my craving of coffee to my love for orange juice, from my love of shopping to my every little need. There were certain bigger things that i couldn’t mention,and he somehow knew them as well. I still remember him hugging me in the times that i was faking up smiles. I still remember him telling me in the little words that he could speak, that he loved me and that everything will be alright. He made my faith in Allah stronger. He made me realize that no matter what, Allah forgives. He was my best friend in his own way.
I still remember the end of my 6th semester. On my last day of the sixth semester, he came to pick me up from the university with my mami. He took me to his favorite bakery, which i’d like to add my nani isn’t a greatest fan of . He gave me his wallet and said in his own style “saray ura do” I laughed and said, “Sab kharch kar doon? ” and he simply smiled and said yes. When i came back he asked about the bill and he was offended when i told him that i just spent a 100 rs. He didn’t talk to me the way back but then i promised him that the next time when i come i’d actually spend all of his money. And he simply smiled. At that time i didn’t figure out any thing at all.
When we came back home, he told me he wanted to talk. I asked him about what and he simply said ” Jana hai” I asked him where? But he just kept on repeating jana hai. I took the names of all the places where he could actually consider going but he didn’t say yes to any one of them. I called my mami, she did the same but we didn’t have a clue of what he was trying to tell us.
A day later, he called me again. This time he simply asked “Agay kia karna hai?” and i told him about my future plans. Nana abu, who could just speak in broken sentences some how discussed my future plans with me. I was so happy that day.
Then i went to Abbottabad. After a week or so, he came to visit us and that was when i noticed a significant change in his attitude. He just wanted us to stay away from him. I thought probably its just a matter of time, but eventually i couldn’t bear it so i went up to him and i was near tears when i asked him ” Aap mere se kion khaffa hain?” He simply hugged me, thats when i noticed tears were trickling down his cheeks as well. Then finally he broke the silence by saying “nahi, tum bohat achi ho mashAllah.” These were probably the last words i heard from him. After that he went back to Pindi.
On 15th July at 3:30 AM, my father suddenly came into my room and told me that Nana abu has had a heart attack we have to go to pindi. I was shocked but i packed as quickly as i could. We went straight to the hospital when we reached pindi. He was in ICU and only one person was allowed to go inside. Naturally every one suggested my mother but somehow the guard there asked me to go in as well. I still don’t know why but May Allah always keep him happy. Had it not been for him I wouldn’t have seen Nana Abu for one last time.
He was constantly losing the blood pressure, however somehow it got stable. I came back to the pindi home. Hours later, we received a phone call – and he was no more.
This is what life is. This is how this home turned into a house again. Bas ek judaai se apnay ghar ka tamam naqsha badal gaya hai…
I can never forget his companionship. I used to be awake late at night for my assignments or simply because i couldn’t sleep, and he’d always keep a glass of juice ready for me at 2:00Am in the night. He some how knew everything. My moods and everything. He also knew that he was going to leave, we just didn’t understand the hints.
Its 7th semester now and i am living in a house now not a home. We live in denial everyday. I still feel like there’ll be a voice saying tum bohat achi ho mashAllah. I still feel like there’ll be a glass of juice for me at 2:00 AM in the night. The reality however is the other way round. I don’t cry at all, but i can see the others faking smiles and that tears me apart. Every little thing is associated with him. I can’t forget how he used to say, koi nahi yar or simply mashaAllah and well how can i forget bohat achay. I confess , i miss him. Terribly. The worst part of it is that i can’t just express it.
Nana abu contributed a major portion to making my life worth living. One thing that i am going to regret always is that i never told him what he meant to me. I wish i could tell him just once that i loved him VERY much. I always believed in miracles but i could never understand their importance. Now i do and probably because now there exists a miracle that i can never witness again. Identify your miracles, and let them know what they mean to you. You never know what miracle you might never witness again….
PS: Thanks to Haris Gulzar, he somehow brought me back to the world of blogging Although this blog doesnt do justice to what i feel but its a sincere effort nevertheless
Nature’s Reflection – The Half Moon
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Continuing with the story, i am still lost in my thoughts about my life. I let myself wander freely in my nostalgic memories and painful thoughts and suddenly i am conscious of the fact that i am looking at an exquisite inspirational invention of Allah. The story of my life is clearly reflected in that mere invention.Half moon, how can i even begin describing its beauty? How can i even describe the depth that it delineates? Still, i am going to make a hopeless effort to describe.
Life has dealt me fairly, I have had a fair share of happiness and a fair share of pain. As a kid these were the only two divisions of emotions i had for life. Happiness and pain. Now, i have a list consisting of words like fear, loss, trauma, guilt …it would be unfair if i don’t mention words like joy, success, appreciation & love. All that i have gone through has had an impact on my personality making me learn something or the other and changing my perspective of life at every turn.
However it amazes me how Allah gives answers to our questions or to our confusions, it amazes me even more how Allah talks to us when we are lost amongst our thoughts. Its just a matter of thought really. We feel that we have a mere “idea” we never concentrate on the source of the idea, the source is always Allah. Its his way of talking to us. When we pray He listens, when we need answers to our questions , we recite Qura’an, when He wants us to talk to Him He’d mysteriously wake us up in the middle of the night and bless us with a sudden urge to offer Tahajjud and last but most importantly when He wants to talk to us , He gives us ideas. Its not that i have never noticed The Half Moon before, but tonight when i looked at it i realized how truly it depicts the picture of “life”. People say “Life is a roller coaster ride” i’d rather call it the “Half Moon.”
When i looked at the Half Moon tonight, i saw it glowing brightly. I gave it a single look and i was about to close my eyes when i noticed the darker side of the moon. Although, half of it was glowing brightly but the other half (which can only be noticed if you closely examine) was murky. I was surprised at the fact that i had never noticed the murky side before and i was even more surprised that if the moon still possesses the murky half, why is the murky half ignored and why is the moon called The Half Moon? This is where my analysis of life began.
We all have set backs in life, so did i. I wasn’t a patient person hence it wouldn’t be surprising if any one said that i complained alot. One thing that i didn’t realize uptil now was that only a fair share of pain can help you enjoy the joy that you come across. If i hadn’t gone through the trauma i wouldn’t have experienced relief and joy and that applies to everything. There would be no importance of smile had it not been for tears. There would be no glowing Half Moon, if it hadn’t possessed the murky side!
Life, in words of philosophers, is complex. I don’t disagree but i don’t agree as well. In my opinion, life has clearly been split into two parts, the bad experiences and the good experiences. I hope you do agree to the fact that life is an experience within itself. Hence, for the basics i have just divided life into two main experiences. The bad experiences take you to places you don’t want to be in, they make you a person you never wanted to be and they make you suffer like anything! At that moment, you feel like quitting but those of you who are warriors and have faith in Allah fight through the murky side and with the faith they stand up to the trauma and change their life to the bright glowing side of the moon and that is where they experience emotions like love, appreciation, joy and success. They only learn to experience these emotions because they have been through what we refer to as the “Trauma.”
Tonight, when i look at the Half Moon, my heart can not stop thanking Allah jee for all that He has blessed me with. Especially for the set backs, because had it not been for the murky side of my life i wouldn’t have had the bright glow of life
Girl in the Mirror…
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I, like some girls, lead a masked life, where i have to be two different people.One that i have to be for the sake of not making an issue or rather not being the issue for the people who are related to me, and the other who i really am. The girl in the mirror is an ordinary girl, but she has to live in an extra ordinary world which requires an extra ordinary effort by her to survive.
Another sleepless night, and another night where i get into a situation of not-knowing-what-to-do-with-myself… but what does it matter? It is starting to get usual now. The shaky hands, the trembling lips, the girl in the mirror quivering with an unknown unbearable pain and may be fear, is just usual.
Can suffering ever be this intense?
Deep in my heart, i feel terribly weak. Any minute i can fall down and then suddenly something inside me forces me to keep going. I might win the battle and that hope keeps me going but the very feeling of having my dream shattered kills me inside.
Its morning, I am trying to get ready to wear that mask again but before wearing the mask, i look in the mirror , i see the same ordinary girl turning into a warrior. The trembling lips are turning into a curved smile, which by the way seems pretty genuine, the shaky hands have turned steady. As steady as a rock. The tear that had trickled down earlier, it seems like as if it has gone back to the eye because i can see that her eyes are now shining. Even though she has now worn a mask, her face shows the determination that a warrior has. She’s going to fight till it gets over, she’s going to play fair & she’ll give her best. She has to win at any cost. In case she fails, she might die, but she is going to die satisfied. She gave her best she will never regret not trying hard enough.
I give a final look at the mirror and start walking towards the door.
Time to enter the battlefield again…
The Worst Kind Of Suffering.. A Sinner’s Plea
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Take an axe
And Cut me deep
Cut me cut me
Till I scream
Give me pain
Make me cry
Test my patience
Till I die
Hit me hard
Give me wounds
Torture me, torture me
Until I swoon
If I committed
A sin so bad
Give me death
Let them be glad
And so they say
This is life
I ask myself
Where’s my pride?!
I am a sinner
Hear my plea
Take my blood
And set me free
But if you can
Help me please
Forgive me , forgive me
Give me PEACE!!!
Somethings just do not have a subject…
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The Talent Hunt – !
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In The Theatre Of War ~ The IMC Rivalry
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Relentless, The Rockstar’s greatest rival of all! Yes we have entered the combat zone. The guerilla warfare is on! This time however i find thrill in the warfare. Its some real marketing going on. Lets see who plays through ethics and who confuses professional rivalry with personal rivalry. The important thing to keep in notice here is that we are not doing the long range bombing here , we are right on the battlefield in a hand to hand situation. Just as Jay Conrad Levinsion has said in his book! Even if its just for a project, trust me its the real stuff. So anyone out there who is cool enough , ROCK RELENTLESSLY 
Time does not fly at all!
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I have heard alot of people complaining that “time flies.” For me however it has been the other way round lately. The time is literally crawling 
I am trying my best to make the most out of it, but the harder i try the more impossible it seems for me to handle. Sometimes i just wish i could fast forward my life to where it would be at a normal pace and a happy phase or rewind it to where i had been a carefree Samar..In 3 years i have changed. Its like i have lost that bubbly charm of a young girl and have entered in the phase of “emotional & mental maturity.” Sounds good but trust me nothing can be worse than losing a part of one’s age because later at life you’d miss living that part & that is exactly whats happening to me!
